23 hours, 16 years
23 hours, 16 years
Driving fast at 80 MPH
Reaching the hot destination known as Texas
you're happy and I am happy for you
but deep down at the bottom of me
I am sad
1 week to say good bye
not wanting to leave you
23 hours, 16 years
connected at the hip, the one that makes me a whole
My sister
Turning her back sharply
4 last words in person:
I love you
Bye.
23 hours, 16 years
you always there by my side
Every day
Every minute
Every second of my life
Now
living life down in Texas
Engaged,
Happy
23 hours, 16 years
Gone.
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3 comments:
I like how you made things less ambiguous (ie. 80 MPH, etc.). The whole 'connected at the hip' line was a good more visual change also. The sharply almost made me cringe at the visual.
I notice you are more specific, which for some reason made me more interested and I felt I could connect more. I also notice you added a few more words here and there, showing little but important emotions that really add a lot to the poem.
Great revisions, and great poem!
Wow I could deffinately tell that you added more detail. It makes the emotion pop out much more
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